This life sometimes makes me feel like I’m jumping off a cliff with the hopes of finding a lake at the bottom. I wish there were a manual for this thing. I understand and appreciate that I’m writing the manual, at least to my life. I spend my time thinking about where I can go to be the happiest, somewhere away from the heat that maybe has something pretty to look at. I’ve become pretty successful at it, but there’s always that next step… How do I make it better and even more than that, how do I make myself and my life better, I really don’t know. I know that full time travel has freed me of the monotony of my previous life, I’m sitting on an island outside of the US writing this post. I never would have imagined that possibility a couple years ago. Not that I condemn my previous life or the people who live the way that I used to, in so many ways I think it was way easier back then. I do know that I wasn’t happy living a sedentary lifestyle, and in just as many ways I think I may have more than figuratively saved my life by deciding to make the change.
The amount of beauty that I’ve been able to take in over the last couple years has changed the way I look at things. It’s almost like a drug for me, I will never be able to get enough. It’s almost impossible for me to fall asleep without the sound of water in my ears, and the little fake rain app only half works, half the time. Sitting next to a stream of snowmelt in the mountains is better than any movie I’ve ever seen. All the while I feel cagey and restless when I don’t see constant and measurable progress in terms of my goals and quests, though more often than not those goals are as cloudy as my path towards achieving them.
I’m getting closer and closer to removing my need for the city altogether, save maybe food and friends occasionally. It’s what I want, I think… To separate myself further from stress and bustle of my previous life. Though the further I walk down this road the more I realize that I’ll take my stress with my everywhere I go. How do I move forward personally, how do I separate myself while maintaining the connection to the people that believe in me and help me continuing my journey. It’s wild to think about trying to reintegrate myself into something like what I was doing before. I had a good life, with everything I needed right there at my finger tips. I never felt full though, I always knew that some important part of me was missing. The further I get from that life the more I realize that the things I need now are totally different, I need wind in my hair, rain on my skin and the chill in the air. I need to grow towards the person that I envision myself being, one who understands the wilderness in a much deeper way then I do now.
The photos in this post are from a recent trip I took through Canada, where I actually am now. Saskatchewan and Alberta rocked my senses in a way I wasn’t expecting. It’s always shocking to find a place that looks so otherworldly yet is so relatively close to the place that I grew up. The towering mountains and turquoise lakes of Alberta made me realize once again that I haven’t seen the half of it yet. I feel like I’ve walking towards another fork in the road, all paths are dark and a little frightening but I know that one of them will take me where I want to go. I don’t know where a person who exchanged the bounty from the first half of his life to find a new life of experience would go,but I’m guessing it’s more of a mindspace then a place to park my body. I do know that as long as I have gas for my truck and food for my belly I won’t give up on this life, it has given me everything.
This was never about going out to make a name for myself, I only want to discover who I can be. Some days are lonely and scary, but coming out the other side of that is why I’m here. I want to sit on the cliffs overlooking the ocean and feel the rain on my face. I want to hear the animals speak to one and other in the dark. I want to see everything. I want to know myself.
This Post is for my friend Tabatha, who traveled with me this summer. Thank you for all the days and nights of star realms, dog walks, camp fires and laughter.
And lastly, a couple of pictures of my sweet house, looking beautiful. Onward and upward.
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All words and images © Adam Smith 2016.