Distance. It’s a strange word when you think about it, it can be a measure of both the emotional and the physical. It’s one of the only things that I can crave and fear in the same breath. It seems to be one of the few things I’ve sought to gain some measure of consistently. I seek distance from a rough childhood, like that’s some object that I can get away from. I seek distance from the mistakes that I’ve made as an adult. I seek to additional distance in my unending journey of self discovery. I seek distance from age, fate, and inevitability.
Lately I wonder if I’m creating a insurmountable gap between the physical body that hosts me and the people that I interact with digitally. I’ve worked hard to create a somewhat curated look in to the life that I’m trying to carve out for myself. I offer that glance through the process of putting my thoughts to the page, but I wonder if some of the nuance of existence isn’t dampened. I’m still the same person waking up everyday and looking through the same old set of eyes that I was born with.
I’ve been feeling incredible pressure to take Roadlyfe and my “career” to whatever the next level might be. I’ve found that trying to make it up as I go with regards to my success is a distinctly difficult path. I’m lucky to have a couple of friends in the field of professional creativity that have been kind enough to at least encourage me.
I find myself getting down when I can’t see a clear path from here to there, where ever there is. I believe that the correct path is available to all of us, sometimes it’s just so damn hard to see it through the trees. I find myself trying to create an emotional distance from the possibility of failure.
I’ve always believed that one of the most difficult aspects of creating a successful life is finding the strength and fortitude to make an attempt at success, in other words the hardest thing about winning is trying. It’s easy for me to get in to a cycle of mediocrity, I tell myself that the product I am making is of quality and that once I attain whatever small goal I’m looking for, I will consider the larger picture. Meanwhile time marches on and I often feel like I’m standing still.
I understand that my fear of failure dictates my actions, it’s only in hindsight that I see how far I have progressed. It seems impossible in the moment to understand the successes that I’ve created for myself. I have to constantly remind myself that today is a new day, that I can do with whatever I choose.
I’ve been feeling the need to break the little cycles of sedentary behavior that have always been a bit of an issue for me. I tell myself to get up early, exercise my body and mind every day and do something that will get me closer to where I want to be in life. Most of the time I listen to myself. I feel a great measure of personal growth, I just wish that it was easier to recognize in the moment. In a massive, indescribable way I never could have imagined my life like this. I couldn’t be more grateful.
And lastly, a couple of pictures of my sweet little house, looking beautiful. Onward and upward.
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All words and images © Adam Smith 2016.